Time to take the reins again (2011 Week 12)

I have gotten really off track in the last few weeks. My calories have been ever-increasing, my mood has been down, I haven't been getting any real exercise. And the scale has been showing it. I'm up to 338.8 today, not the direction I intended to be moving in.

But I am determined to get back on track now. I managed to stay under my calorie budget today for the first time in at least a week. I'm back using the whey protein supplement again. And I'm drinking lots of water. I'm going to start hitting the gym more regularly again, and aim for variety, not just doing treadmill all the time, maybe even try a few classes.

I geeked it up a little bit yesterday, trying to figure out what was going on with my body; I figure, I have amassed a decent amount of data now, why not take a look. I only looked at the 10 most recent weeks from my loseit data, partly because it was taking a long time to get the data in the right format, and partly because I wanted the graph below to reflect about the same weight (+/- 10 lbs). Here's what I found:

There is no obvious pattern between avg net (after exercise) calories for a given week and my change in weight for that week:

I also looked at number of calories burned exercising, grams of sugar consumed that week, grams of carbs consumed that week, and grams of protein consumed that week. The only variable that had any hint of a relationship with my weekly change in weight was protein consumed:

So I'm going to try to refocus my efforts on protein. And it looks like 800 grams of protein per week is a good goal to aim toward. I realize that I'm only looking at 10 data points, there are lot of other factors I'm not looking at, my data may be inaccurate, etc, etc. But this is all I have to go on right now, so I'm going with it.

Sinking back into bed (2011 week 11 update)

This whole week, all I have wanted to do was sink back into bed. It has been chilly, and rainy. My mood is low. This afternoon when I got home from doing errands I was feeling a low energy and like I wanted to lie down for a minute, so I thought I'd listen to a podcast that I had fallen asleep during last night while lying on my floofy pillow chair in the living room. I fell asleep once again, about mid-podcast. And when I woke up, I was so cold, I decided I really needed to crawl back under the covers upstairs in my bedroom to warm up again. I thought I'd just read for a bit. Hah. I know better.

Now it's 8pm, my ridiculously long weekend is over, and I really do have to buckle down and get a few things done before tomorrow.

And I need to check in here, because it is going to help keep me on track, I hope. I'm down to 335.6, which is back about where I was two weeks ago. I don't know where that came from because I have been seriously overshooting my calorie budget all week, but it could just be water weight coming off I guess. I have been getting some exercise, mostly around the house, moving boxes, painting walls, cleaning, carrying things up and down the stairs. I'll put on a kitchen timer for 45 minutes or an hour and tell myself to keep moving until the timer goes off, to keep getting things done. I always work up a sweat that way, but I know I really should be going to the gym as well.

I got fitted for orthotics today (they took plaster casts of my feet), so I should have those in a couple weeks. Hopefully they will help with the exercise vs foot pain issue.

I have been watching a lot of movies, reading a lot of books. Sort of checking out of reality. I did make an appointment with a counselor for next week to talk about, among other things, stuffing my emotions down with food.

Don't know where I'm at right now (2011 Week 10 update)

I'd like to be able to say I lost another 2 pounds but I doubt it, and the truth is I don't really even know where I'm at right now, weight-wise. For the last several days, I've been somehow forgetting to weigh in first thing in the morning, and of course when I check later in the day, it's going to be higher, after I've had breakfast and water and whatever. I think I'm probably higher than last week. Maybe around 338. I need to get back in the habit of checking in every day because it helps me keep my goals at the forefront of my mind.

I haven't been in a good place mentally for the last week. Feeling really exhausted and down, and blah. I managed to psych myself up for a job application process at the end of the week but then crashed and burned again on the weekend, getting very little done.

I read recently that too much vitamin C (some other vitamins too) can make you feel sleepy and low-energy. I have been adding emergenC to my water, sometimes twice a day lately, because I thought it would help me get through my cold and avoid getting something else, and I like the way it tastes. I am trying going without it today to see if I notice any difference. Vitamin C is water soluble, so what I had yesterday shouldn't affect me today.

I am having a difficult time with my mom still. Trying to reconcile the fact that she had a degree in psychology and child development yet treated me the way she did growing up. Trying to let the past be the past but then her repeatedly picking away at me again in the present and bringing all those past feelings back up again. I need to set all this aside right now and focus on my school work and my health but it's hard.

Mommy dearest :-/

Last Tuesday I was out at Panera's with my mom and two of our friends who get together once a month for a sort of book club. I got there later than everyone else because of work. I ordered a half a tuna sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup. The checker said, "if you order a drink, you can pick one of the dessert items here for free!". I succumbed and got an iced tea (good) and an m&m cookie (bad, but still under my calorie budget for the day).

I went and sat down. My friend Kristin asked "what's in the bag" (my actual food was still on its way), and I told her some dessert, a cookie. "What kind?" she asked; m&m I said. My mom jumped in, "*Kristin* decided not to get a cookie because *she* went to the gym today!"

Yeah, thanks for that, mom.

I am trying to keep the peace like the good little middle child I am but my mom sure is pissing me off lately. And it's not just for the stuff she's doing today, like the cookie incident. I've been sorting through a closet full of old clothes from my high school days, and coming across pairs of pants and shorts that look so tiny to me now. Specific pairs that I remember wearing from back then. And remember, as in one incident after my first real boyfriend broke up with me, my mom sat me down and told me that in no uncertain terms he had broken up with me because I was fat, and that even if he was attracted to me, it wasn't socially acceptable to be paired up with a fat girl.

Many years later I found out that the real reason he broke up with me was that he's gay. And even if he wasn't, high school relationships are naturally short lived, that's just the way it is, and it's a learning process that everyone goes through. A mother's job is to comfort her children through those events, build up their self-esteem, encourage them to try again. Right? Am I far off here?

Kind of an interesting trend...

Check out these two graphs from my loseit data. The first, below, shows my weight (much smoothed) over the last 6 months:

In case it's hard to see the actual numbers, about 6 months ago I was just under 360 lbs and presently my smoothed weight is showing at around 335.

Now look at this graph, for the same time period, but this time average calories consumed:

Again, in case the numbers are hard to see, I started around 1600 and ended up working my way up to 2750 over the last 6 months.

Add 1150 calories and lose 25 pounds. I like it. And you might be asking, well, did my exercise just increase to compensate (and then some) for all those extra calories? No:

Competition and Recovery: 2011 Week 9 Update

I am still hacking up goobies from my lungs, but I'm feeling about a million times better than last week at this time. It no longer hurts to breath, and despite the mucous, my energy is up a bit again.

I took yesterday pretty much completely off from life. I sat/lay around reading a book all day (Commencement by J. Courtney Sullivan). I did a little bit of tidying around the house because I was having my friend Katie over for dinner and movie night, but that's about it as far as productivity.

There were three major things I see as working against me in my weight loss efforts last week. For one, I knew that I was going to weigh in for the start of my between-friends weight-loss competition on Friday and although it might be silly, part of me was thinking, "Why lose the weight before the first weigh in when I won't get credit for it?" The second factor I'm going to blame this week's weigh in on (yes, it's coming) is recovery from bronchitis, and feeling generally sluggish. I didn't make it into work at all last week, and although I made it into class and got a few things done in my personal life, most of the rest of the time I was very sedentary. Third, last Tuesday I got a call about an interview that was then scheduled for the next day. I was pretty excited about it. I've been really struggling financially, and this particular position would have also been good experience to lead into the new career I'm aiming toward. But 3 hours or so before the interview, I got a call saying they'd already found someone so not to bother coming in. There ensued comfort food binge. I've been to the donuts shop twice this week. Not like me at all.

I need better coping strategies for when stuff like that happens. I think the first thing I did was call my mom and vent. I remember trying to be productive about it and go looking for further similar positions online that I could apply for. But I also ate. Maybe I should have thrown myself into cleaning. Or vented to friends until the sting wore off. Or taken my sick ass to a coffee shop or a bookstore for distraction. Hmm.

So anyway, in the end I'm 1200 calories over budget for the week. I did do a little walking. My protein was about 70g per day and my sugar was around 140g per day on average, so need to skew that back in the right direction again.

And, in the end, I'm 2.4 pounds up this week, back up to 337.8. So, okay, that's not great, and I'm now quite a bit further behind in my gradual year goal (I should be at 332.4 if I were on track). But I have come a long ways. Hell, even since the new year I'm over 12 pounds down, so that's nothing to scoff at. But I'm going to do better this week.

For the future, here are some things I want to try next time I'm headed toward food for reasons other than hunger:

-bubble bath
-give myself a pedicure
-read a good book
-go shopping or browsing
-watch a favorite movie
-call a friend
-make some tea
-do arts and crafts
-drive to the beach and look at the water
-write a letter
-clean
-write something (maybe here!)
-take pictures
-start a sewing project
-go to the gym / walk / do a workout video
-play with the cats
-chew gum
-play an instrument
-play a game