Fat folk shalt not wear cute leggings? (2011 Week 31 Update)

Summary of Last week:

Lost 1.8 pounds
2,758 calories under budget
35% fat, 53% carb, 12% protein consumed

Water aerobics, walking and gardening were my forms of exercise, for a total of 4,222 estimated calories of effort.

My mom, who I am quite sure at this point got lap band surgery around new year's and has lied repeatedly to me about it (saying it was a hernia repair), has slimmed down considerably over the last couple of months. Or maybe I just didn't notice it as much before. Because recently she has begun wearing skin-tight leggings, every day. I'm not talking about under a skirt, or to the gym to work out (she doesn't do that), or anything like that. Just out and about in her daily activities. A 60+ year old woman who was probably 300 or more pounds at her largest and maybe 200 now, she's very lumpy and bumpy and jiggly. I would be embarrassed to walk around in such form-fitting reveal-it-all clothing in that body.

On the flip side, I, who am still tipping the scales around 345, was drawn to some fun patterned/colored leggings at Target today but was worried that they wouldn't fit me, to be worn under a skirt. Sigh.

I am writing this a few days late and haven't been doing a good job with food this week, I hope for my next weekly check in I don't have to report a gain.

Don't know where I'm at right now (2011 Week 10 update)

I'd like to be able to say I lost another 2 pounds but I doubt it, and the truth is I don't really even know where I'm at right now, weight-wise. For the last several days, I've been somehow forgetting to weigh in first thing in the morning, and of course when I check later in the day, it's going to be higher, after I've had breakfast and water and whatever. I think I'm probably higher than last week. Maybe around 338. I need to get back in the habit of checking in every day because it helps me keep my goals at the forefront of my mind.

I haven't been in a good place mentally for the last week. Feeling really exhausted and down, and blah. I managed to psych myself up for a job application process at the end of the week but then crashed and burned again on the weekend, getting very little done.

I read recently that too much vitamin C (some other vitamins too) can make you feel sleepy and low-energy. I have been adding emergenC to my water, sometimes twice a day lately, because I thought it would help me get through my cold and avoid getting something else, and I like the way it tastes. I am trying going without it today to see if I notice any difference. Vitamin C is water soluble, so what I had yesterday shouldn't affect me today.

I am having a difficult time with my mom still. Trying to reconcile the fact that she had a degree in psychology and child development yet treated me the way she did growing up. Trying to let the past be the past but then her repeatedly picking away at me again in the present and bringing all those past feelings back up again. I need to set all this aside right now and focus on my school work and my health but it's hard.

Mommy dearest :-/

Last Tuesday I was out at Panera's with my mom and two of our friends who get together once a month for a sort of book club. I got there later than everyone else because of work. I ordered a half a tuna sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup. The checker said, "if you order a drink, you can pick one of the dessert items here for free!". I succumbed and got an iced tea (good) and an m&m cookie (bad, but still under my calorie budget for the day).

I went and sat down. My friend Kristin asked "what's in the bag" (my actual food was still on its way), and I told her some dessert, a cookie. "What kind?" she asked; m&m I said. My mom jumped in, "*Kristin* decided not to get a cookie because *she* went to the gym today!"

Yeah, thanks for that, mom.

I am trying to keep the peace like the good little middle child I am but my mom sure is pissing me off lately. And it's not just for the stuff she's doing today, like the cookie incident. I've been sorting through a closet full of old clothes from my high school days, and coming across pairs of pants and shorts that look so tiny to me now. Specific pairs that I remember wearing from back then. And remember, as in one incident after my first real boyfriend broke up with me, my mom sat me down and told me that in no uncertain terms he had broken up with me because I was fat, and that even if he was attracted to me, it wasn't socially acceptable to be paired up with a fat girl.

Many years later I found out that the real reason he broke up with me was that he's gay. And even if he wasn't, high school relationships are naturally short lived, that's just the way it is, and it's a learning process that everyone goes through. A mother's job is to comfort her children through those events, build up their self-esteem, encourage them to try again. Right? Am I far off here?